#Seed009: Fatherhood as Husbandry
Reflections on Father's Day
“A man who is in the traditional sense a good farmer is husbandman and husband, the begetter and conserver of the earth’s bounty, but he is also midwife and motherer. He is a nurturer of life. His work is domestic; he is bound to the household.”
- Wendell Berry, The Unsettling of America
In light of Father’s Day, I wanted to spend some time reflecting on fatherhood and community. When I first read Wendell Berry’s The Unsettling of America, I was struck by his chapter, The Body and the Earth. Wendell Berry explores the relationship between the degradation of land in modern agriculture and the degradation of families and communities. It had never clicked before that husbandry was related both to the land and to the home. To husband is to care for all that surrounds you.
I was conversing with my mother about manhood. In our discussions, she explained why she disliked the use of “true” or “ideal” when we discuss manhood and masculinity. She shared that these ideals often undermine other men. This revelation opened my eyes to how we frequently associate manhood with being stronger and superior to our fellow men. In the Quranic story, “I am better than him” were the words of the accursed Satan when he defied God's instructions. A form of violent masculinity seems to be filling a vacuum. In his essay, Shadow Work, Ivan Illich discusses the shift from work that sustains and cares for a household to wage labor. He writes, “The nineteenth-century bourgeois family, made up of the wage earner and his dependents, replaced the subsistence-centered household. It tied the femina domestica and vir laborans in the thraldom of complementary impotence typical for homo economicus.” I believe that the impotence that accompanies wage labor and the deterioration of the subsistence-centered household paved the way for a virulent, if not violent, form of masculinity. The fetishizing of strong men has perverted our understanding of virtue, chivalry, husbandry, and ultimately fatherhood.
The modern man, who no longer participates in the home or in his community, has been figuratively castrated. He is a shadow of his former self. Robert Putnam, in Bowling Alone, speaks of this phenomenon:
“People divorced from community, occupation, and association are first and foremost among the supporters of extremism.”
Extreme forms of masculinity are on the rise. But there are two sides to this coin. Another form of extremism which demonizes masculine qualities is another dangerous reaction. “Toxic masculinity” is a term that is often used in public discourse. In contrast to the fetishism of the strong man, there has been a growing trend to undermine manly virtues. Robert Bly writes in Iron John, “there’s a general assumption now that every man in a position of power is, or will soon be, corrupt and oppressive.” The patriarchy is perceived as evil by definition. In light of this, what role does the father play, and how is he different from any other caretaker? What is his place?
Fatherhood finds its place in the middle. Like all virtues, we must find the golden mean between the extremes of deficiency and excess. A father’s role is to husband. As Wendell Berry writes, “his work is domestic; he is bound to the household.” Working the soil requires both brute strength and patience. It requires hard work and gentleness. It requires planning and providential trust. These qualities reflect the cardinal virtues: wisdom, courage, justice, and prudence. A father who is bound to the household and participates in its sustenance lays the groundwork to participate in community and civic life. By honing his skills at home, he becomes a valuable member of his community. A father is someone who will be there for others when they need him. He leads by example.
As fathers, we can't expect our children to grow spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually if we ourselves are not growing in the same ways. That's why the practice of virtue is continuous and ongoing. Just like tending our garden, we align ourselves with the seasons and the ebbs and flows of time. We learn from our mistakes, exchange knowledge and skills, and strive to do better next time. Gradually, we build our home, our neighborhood, and our community. As fathers, we aim to follow God’s command of being stewards of the earth in all we do. I believe this is manhood.
To all the fathers out there, keep your head up. Find balance, stay humble, and keep on going. Happy Father’s Day.
Drawing Inspiration
Every week, I share books, podcasts, films, and other resources that will support your journey as a community facilitator and builder.
Books
This week, I’m not going to share one book, but rather a recommended reading list from the Art of Manliness. For five years now, I've organized a weekly (with breaks of course!) book club with some other men. I recommend my readers to do something like that, a regular get-together amongst men. Too often, I see men struggling in their relationships with their spouses or their children, and I believe that cultivating friendships is one of the remedies to challening relationships. Aristotle considered friendship, that is friends loving each other for their own sake, to be the highest form of love.